A gallery of her finest work. Every verdict delivered with love. And a knife.
Mother has answered a great many questions in her time, and while she'd never admit to having favorites — she loves all her requests equally, she'll have you know — some verdicts are simply too good not to frame. Below is a small collection of her finest rulings, sorted by the corner of life they wandered into. Consider it a preview of what awaits when you ask her something yourself.
May I have a cookie before dinner?
Granted, conditionally"You may have one — one — and you'll eat it looking me in the eye, so we both remember the sacrifice I made raising someone who negotiates with their own mother over baked goods."
May I have ice cream for breakfast?
Denied"Absolutely not. Your cousin Marcus eats oatmeal. Marcus is thriving. Marcus calls his mother. Be more like Marcus."
May I quit my job to start a band?
Granted, conditionally"You may — the moment you can name three people who'll come to a show who aren't contractually related to you. I'll wait. I've waited thirty years for a grandchild; I can wait for this."
May I text my ex back?
Denied"No. Put the phone down. I did not endure fourteen hours of labor so you could undo six months of healing at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday."
May I move across the country?
Granted"You may. Go. Chase your dreams. I'll be perfectly fine here, alone, with the guest room I decorated for visits that apparently now require a plane ticket. Send pictures."
May I skip doing the dishes tonight?
Denied"You may not. The dishes have been there since Thursday. They have a birthday coming up. Wash them, and think about the standards I clearly failed to instill."
May I stay up past midnight?
Granted, conditionally"You may, once you've explained why sleep — the very thing I sacrificed for sixteen years so you could function like a person — is suddenly beneath you."
May I bring someone home to meet you?
Granted"You may, and I'll be delighted — truly — right after I recover from the shock of being told anything about your life before it appears on the internet."
And that's just a taste. Mother has a fresh verdict for every question she's ever handed — she would never dream of repeating herself — so whatever you're plotting, she's ready to weigh in with love, a sigh, and a comparison to someone who turned out better than you.